II think my heart stopped beating as soon as he stepped out of the car at the airport. He was flying to a training in the US and gonna be gone for a month. Just a month...not even, like 3.5 weeks. As much as I pep talked myself before hand for the past week, nothing stopped the sobs that came after I stepped into our empty town home for the first time alone.
Time feels slow. When CJ and I were doing distance when we were dating, it actually felt pretty consistent. Not fast, but not too slow. A steady pace of days being filled so it wasn't so bad. We spent 322 apart, only spending only 52 days together before we got married. We had done it then, so in my brain, there was no reason we couldn't do it now...Boy was I so foolishly wrong.
I remember when we first began distance anytime I would come back from seeing CJ, the first 3 days sucked. Getting your emotions in check, not looking at pictures without crying, or even talking to others about us was a challenge. But then, life goes on and we got into a routine. We knew how to pour into each other, make each other laugh, learn our body language when we were upset. I felt like we were doing alright and happily daydreamed of when we would see each other again.
But this was far from different. I asked CJ when he first left on why it felt so hard when we would go months without seeing each other. "I think it's because out normal was distance' he said 'our normal was not seeing each other. Now our normal is seeing each other all the time that now distance seems like a foreign concept.' I think he nailed it right on the head.
It feels like my heart is in a freezer, every day my heart freezes a little more to what life was like when CJ was home. I can't have pictures of us in our home because I tear up. I can talk about him sometimes but others I feel like I'm choking in my missing of him. I don't like this new normal of mundane tasks taking longer because I'm the only one doing them, coming home after a long day with no one to talk to and a meal to make, sleeping in our bed alone or sitting at church with no hand to hold. My heart grieves more deeply than I thought possible living without the one who holds my heart.
Yet in the grief, there is Jesus. Just because my circumstances are so painful sometimes does not mean He isn't with me all the same. He is good in the loneliness. He is good when I don't feel him. He is with me and He is with CJ too. He is the one who holds us together even when we are apart. He is the one who holds you when you are falling apart too.
Everyday feels like a mountain. When I look at the calendar to see how many more sleeps left, my heart freezes a bit more to how much it is rather than thaws with excitement like it used to when we were dating. I have learned to wake up and ask God for His joy and for Him to remind me my joy is founded in Him because it feels like I don't have any at times.
I don't know the mountain/s you are climbing. I don't know the pain nor am I gonna try to say 'I know' or 'I understand'. Rather I'm here to remind us both of a couple of things
1: that Jesus is with us (Matt 1:23). He is a Son of a God who loves you and me tenderly and deeply. Jesus' death and resurrection is your life in Him. The power of the faith in God founded in the Holy Spirit is upon you when you receive Jesus into your heart and no pain or hardship or person or circumstance can take that promise away from you (Eph 2:8-9). When you fall apart, you have a God who is with you too. He vows to never leave or forsake (Isaiah 41:10-13).
2: you are doing the dang thing. You may be doing well and if that is you celebrate! If not, look at how far you have come! Maybe you are not doing the best but are here, aren't you? You are doing it. Fight on, fighter:)
May our hearts and minds be guarded in Jesus, whose name cannot be shaken (Heb 12:27)